Self Help Tips
Sexual Communication Technique
by "Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW
Sexual Communication Technique: Are you and your partner good communicators in the bedroom? Complete the following exercise, and determine the answer(s) for yourself. To do this assignment, you will need two hours of uninterrupted time. This exercise is progressive. In the first stage, you and your partner will be giving each other back massages. The purpose of starting with a back massage is that lovers tend to feel more comfortable talking about it, than they do with sex.
The first stage – a back massage: Each type of back massage is broken down into five minute sections. Please follow each step, and follow all the rules.
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Five minutes of describing all of the ways that you are planning on touching your partner (your partner just listens and lets his or her imagination run wild).
Five minutes of touching your partner in whatever way turns you on: for the purposes of this exercise, it’s OK if your partner hates it. The goal is to touch your partner for selfish reasons. The receiving partner must be completely silent.
Five minutes of touching your partner in whatever way you think will turn him/her on: let your past sexual experiences with this person guide your style. The receiving partner must be completely silent.
Five minutes of the moan-groan Game: If your partner is enjoying your style of touch, he/she needs to moan or groan. The louder the noise, the more he/she is enjoying it. If your partner is uncomfortable moaning or groaning, encourage your partner to moo like a cow, or cluck like a chicken. Allow yourself to laugh. The point of this exercise is to get comfortable using sounds as a form of communication. If noise makes you or your partner laugh, consider yourself lucky! A key component to having good sex is having the ability to laugh in bed.
Five minutes of the movement game: The giver should try to please the receiver in bed. If the receiver is enjoying the touch, then he/she should use his/her body to try to communicate the positive reactions. For example, if the touch is too hard, the receiver should try to shift his/her body away from the touch. Throughout this section of the massage, the receiver must be completely silent.
Five minutes of permission giving talk (while continuing to give a massage): The giver, while touching the receiver uses his words to make it feel safe for the receiver to simply receiver. He might say things like “I am really enjoying your silky skin … touching you turns me on … let your mind wander …. your allowing me to be close to you in this way feels special … take a deep breath and focus on the sensations.
Five minutes of dirty talk (while continuing to give a massage): the giver, while touching the receiver talks straight out of a typical porn movie.
Five minutes of guided touch: The receiver should use her/his hands to try to guide the givers hands. For example, if the woman is giving a hand job, the guy should take his hands and put it over the woman’s hands to try to show her how he likes a hand job. Again, the receiver is not allowed to user his/her voice. She/he must be completely silent.
Five minutes of verbal directions. The receiver should direct the giver for the next five minutes to touch her/him any way that feels good.
After you have completed this exercise, switch roles. The giver becomes the receiver, and the receiver becomes the giver.
Once each person has had the opportunity to give and to receive, answer the following questions:
Did you prefer being the giver or the receiver and why?
When did you feel most uncomfortable and why?
When did you feel the most awkward and why?
When did you feel safe and why?
When did you feel the sexiest and why?
When did you get the best feedback?
When was your partner most responsive to your feedback?
What was your partner’s favorite type(s) of touch?
What was your partner’s least favorite types of touch?
For five minutes share with your partner what they did during this exercise that you found useful/enjoyable. You may want to focus on the way they touched you, the way they responded to your touch, what they did to make you comfortable enough to do this exercise, what your partner did to introduce this exercise or even how they made time to make this happen.
Repeat this exercise three times. The purpose of repeating this exercise three times is because peoples likes and dislikes change depending upon their mood. By doing it several times, you will gain a better appreciation for your partners likes and dislikes. Furthermore, you will hone your communication skills.
Golden Rules of this Sexual Communication Technique Exercise
If the person gets close to orgasm, stop, and let the person ‘cool off.’
Wait at least two hours after completing exercise to engage in intercourse.
Practice, practice and more practice. Have fun with it.
Advanced Stages 2-7
Stage Two: repeat the exercise giving a full back massage.
Stage Three: repeat the exercise giving a full front massage – no nipples or genitals.
Stage Four: repeat the exercise focusing on the chest. Hint: do not focus on the nipples. 35 minutes of pure nipple stimulation will turn most people off.
Stage Five: repeat the exercise focusing on manual stimulation (hand job / digital stimulation).
Stage Six: repeat the exercise focusing on oral stimulation of the genitals.
Stage Seven: repeat the exercise while engaging in intercourse. Instead of having a Giver / Receiver, imagine one person being in control, and the other person being a passive recipient.
View other tips related to: Sexuality and Sexual health, Arousal Problems, Orgasms, Sex Therapy, Sexual Desire Problems, Sexual Techniques, Sexuality 101 (Core Sexuality)
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